Sing Yer Hearts Out - A Tale of Two Footballing Weekends

The weekend of July 23/24th saw two highlights for me. The second, on the Sunday, was the epic Command and Colors Austerlitz game already described in these pages. The first, the previous day, was a trip down to Chichester to meet up with family, have a jolly nice meal at the Minerva brasserie and see a play at the attached Minerva Theatre. The play in question was Sing Yer Heart out for the Lads, a gritty story about racism and xenophobia in the context of English football so very much a story for our times. 

My wife and I go to see plays very rarely and we are really not au fait with dramatic conventions in the way some of our family are – my nephew, for example, is a regular theatre-goer and reviewer known in the Blogosphere as The Real Chrisparkle so his blog is probably the best place to start for a fuller review of the performance. What I can say is that it was not only an interesting experience – interesting rather than enjoyable – but it also provided a thought-provoking contrast with the footballing extravaganza of the following weekend. 

The play is set in a scruffy London boozer – very realistically staged, to the extent that it was tempting to go and get a beer from the functioning beer pumps when the interval came – during the October 2000 World Cup qualifying match between England and Germany at the old Wembley. (Anyone not wanting to know the result should look away now. It was 1-0 to Germany, the last goal at the old Wembley Stadium being scored by Liverpool midfielder Dietmar Hamann). A group of fans settle in to watch the game but frustration at the England performance soon gives rise to aggressive expressions of racism and other hate speech, with ultimately tragic results.

Not looking too good for England; tensions starting to simmer in Sing Yer Heart Out For The Lads

It's an earnest cautionary tale that feels like one worth telling. Racism is bad, footy has a problem with it, English footy in particular has a problem with it, the toxic mix of footy and racial violence part of a wider culture in which issues of racism, xenophobia and the loss of status and Empire have never been satisfactorily resolved. For me, as for Chrisparkle, the play didn’t really go anywhere dramatically beyond horrible racist people being horrible and racist. The heart of the second act, in which Alan, a well-read Enoch Powell quoting racist, plays pool with Mark, one of the black characters, while calmly outlining his racial philosophy and telling Mark why he does not belong in the UK, should feel tense but does not, as it feels as though both characters are effectively just being used as mouthpieces for opposing worldviews. 

(It was perhaps unwise to have the actual footy game playing on a TV in the background. There were periods of the play when I found myself distractedly following that old 2000 game instead of listening to what was being said onstage and I’m sure there were others in the audience who did the same). 

I also found the characters tended to be caricatures…the calm and sinister Alan, a cerebral, ideological racist who has read all of his books and is more in favour of persuasion and considered action than undirected violence; the thuggish Lawrie, clearly in awe of Alan’s superior learning but hot-headed, impatient and constantly close to losing all restraint; Mark, a black man recently out of the Army and disillusioned at the failure of English society to fully accept him despite his best efforts to fit in. 

But then, this sense of caricature comes from the fact that these are real figures with whom I think we are all familiar in real life. We know people like Alan who are smart and have read all the books and managed to learn all the wrong things from them. He reminded me mostly of a boy I remembered from the Sixth Form in Liverpool who, having expressed the most appalling views on race, calmly informed me that he preferred to be regarded as a racialist than a racist. We also know people like Lawrie. Thuggishness in English football is never very far below the surface. The pub portrayed in Sing Yer Heart Out feels familiar, down to the moth-eaten taped-down carpets and the perfunctory St Georges Cross bunting; and if I had been out and about looking for somewhere to watch that match back in 2000 and had come across that pub I would have recognized it for what it was and carried on walking. 

Fast forward a week and there could scarcely be a more striking contrast with the football offering of the following weekend: *that* European Championship Final between the English and German womens’ teams that ended – against all expectations, surely, this being England-Germany – with the England women dancing around the pitch with the trophy while a nation cried and yelled itself hoarse.

Much has been written about the utter joyousness of the Womens’ Euros and it is certainly a novel experience for an England supporter to be able to just enjoy a football tournament without any of the usual accompanying baggage. On the pitch, none of the usual huffing and puffing as a team of overpaid prima donnas gives another lacklustre performance and goes out to a team of part-timers from a country nobody even knew had a team – or, just as badly, going out on penalties to an infuriatingly efficient Germany for the three hundred thousandth time. Off the pitch, none of the spectacles associated with England football supporter culture: drunken, sunburned, topless men with enormous beer-bellies brawling outside stadia or using any nearby street furniture as a public urinal. None of the hate, or the ugliness, or the gloomy soul-searching amidst the ruins when it is all over. 

I’m not quite sure why this is so. Is it the case that most of the appalling behaviour is down to a relatively small number of toxic males who are exactly the sort of men who would regard it as beneath their dignity to turn out for a team of girls? Or is it that with the womens’ game hitherto attracting much less coverage and lower advertising revenues than the mens’ it was felt that the result was much less consequential, that there was therefore less ‘pride’ on the line as a nation? I recall a chant featured in Sing Yer Hearts Out that went ‘Stand up if you won the War’ (to the tune of Go West, of course), and this strange and strangely English conflation of football and bad World War II history might perhaps seem even more tenuous than normal when the players are female. 

As someone who has watched and enjoyed womens’ football in the past (notably the epochal 2019 World Cup where the England women started to become household names) it’s interesting to note a certain concern on the part of some commentators that the womens’ game is becoming in some ways more like the mens’, and that we are in danger of going down the same ill-advised path. The arguably cynical play of the German players, playing a rough physical game against their opponents in hope of a reaction; the timewasting which when done by the English players was consistently described euphemistically as ‘game management’; even midfielder Liz Scott’s foul-mouthed reaction to a German challenge that you really didn’t have to be a very able lip-reader to pick up (how many at home must have cried out, with me, ‘Hey, she just told that German player to **** off!’); the assumption is that women should be above all this and should conduct themselves elegantly and demurely on the pitch and off it. 

Chloe Kelly celebrates scoring the winner against Germany; I say, there's a half naked woman on the pitch.

An unreasonable expectation surely. Given that these women are consumers of the same footballing culture as the rest of us it is absurd to regard this time as one of the loss of innocence. Maybe it is just that the simian male culture surrounding football has been so unpleasant for so long that when the reasonable behaviour of a group of reasonable people is suddenly inserted it feels somehow unnatural and hence fragile. 

I’m just thankful for all the great football of the last few weeks, for goals like Georgia Stanway’s rocket against Spain that stand alongside such beautiful pieces of work as that Paul Gascoigne goal against Scotland at Wembley in 1996, or Russo's cheeky backheel against Sweden; grateful also for the experience of being able to cheer on an England team without the slightly uncomfortable feeling that I’m participating in something a bit dodgy. Only time will tell if this really is a defining moment for the womens' game for all the wrong reasons, whether its ever higher profile and the dizzying amount of money likely to be poured into the game will result in its corruption. All I know is that I am much more tempted to tune in to the womens' world cup next year than to the bloodsoaked money making exercise scheduled for Qatar in November, cynical even by FIFA standards. And I’ll leave the final word to David Squires of the Guardian: "Sod it, I’m a 47-year-old man with a creaking hip and a BMI so-called GPs would describe as ‘troubling’, but even I harbour dreams of being Fran Kirby when I grow up".

Four Go Mad At Austerlitz

Back from an extended hiatus from serious gaming with a bit of a bang this week so it would be shame not to report the event in excruciating detail in the old blog.

I have long been a fan of the old Command & Colors:Napoleonic system and own all the expansions. I'm not remotely convinced that it models Napoleonic warfare in any meaningful sense but it has always scratched a strong Napoleonic itch of mine. It's nice to be moving blocks that represent real Napoleonic unit types around on a map and make them do real Napoleonic things like fire, melee, form squares, make combined arms attack, all that malarkey; nicer still to be able to do this using a system so simple that it feels effortless and enables you to chat and enjoy your opponents' company while you play, as opposed to endlessly looking things up in overly long dense rule books or checking combat result tables. It's also a system that never fails to produce strong and memorable narratives, which to me are one of the greatest pleasures of wargaming generally.

The one expansion I have never yet managed to get to the table is the Epics expansion which provides rules that enable players to fight larger scale actions of the wars. So, I finally got round to setting up an Epics session in the summer house so recently freed from the ongoing depredations of my teenage son and his friends. There were four of us present for the occasion, exalted company indeed which included my local mate Roger, Nundanket of the Horse and Musket Gaming blog and David In Suffolk of the Ragged Soldier blog. Because it seemed such an auspicious occasion I chose a suitably ambitious scenario - Austerlitz, the whole shebang. This is the biggest of the Epic scenarios that come with the expansion and just setting it up took well over an hour, having to get units out from the French, Austrian and Russian sets, not to mention all that terrain. In retrospect it was perhaps too ambitious a choice for four players of whom none had played the Epic game, but what the heck, it was always going to be fun.

Opening positions (before I remembered to add the Russian leaders!) viewed from the French side. Denuded French right is visible, with Davout's hard-marching foot cavalry yet to reach the field. In the centre the French seem well poised for an early strike at the Pratzen Heights.

Same view, opposite side.

Those fearsome Russian Heavy Guard Cavalry will have their own story to tell of this day.

Several house rules were adopted prior to kick off. In the basic C&C rules we always felt that cavalry was too effective against infantry in square, battling with just one dice but with a 2/3 chance of causing damage with that dice, so we reined that in a little by allowing the cavalry to only hit on infantry symbols, halving its chance of reducing the square. For a second house rule I am indebted to MS Foy at Prometheus in Aspic, whose custom C&C rules include a way of making ranged musketry combat less lethal. In the original rules it was possible for a unit to completely destroy another two hexes (several hundred yards at least) away with one roll of the dice without ever becoming engaged, which given the very limited effectiveness of Napoleonic era muskets never felt quite right either. Both rules that perhaps threatened to extend the game somewhat by slowing down the rate of loss but which just felt right.

We felt the game mechanics needed a slight tweak also. In the 4-player Epic rules one player on each side is the C-in-C and the other their subordinate. Every turn the C-in-C plays one card out of their Command deck and places it in front of them to order specified units. They then select a card from the Courier rack and pass it to their subordinate to play. The rules are not specific as to how much communication accompanies this procedure but the implication is that the subordinate plays what they are given without any consultation, following what they see as a direct order from above. As this seemed to be a bit limiting for the subordinates we decided to make it more of a team event with both players on a side involved in deciding what cards to play and how; again, another rule that would clearly slow down play - although how much only became apparent after we started playing! Chris and I took the role of the French, Roger and Dave that of the Allies.

So there we were, house rules in place, ready to go. And looking at the starting positions it felt like it could not be a very long game. A whopping 19 victory tokens are required for victory in this scenario, and session reports on BoardGameGeek mention 4, 5, 6-hour playtimes, but the units all looked so close together on that map that it seemed it would take no time at all for them to close to melee distance and once they did the killing would be swift and those victory tokens would start to mount up in no time.

From that point of view the battlefield had more of a feeling of Borodino than Austerlitz perhaps. But on closer inspection the starting positions of the armies do seem to broadly model those at Austerlitz despite the squashing of the battlefield resulting from the 11-hex board depth. The French right around Telnitz and Sokolnitz is pretty bare up front, as opposed to the mass of white and green facing them across the Goldbach stream. Davout's Corps is present but sitting back on the baseline as opposed to furiously marching up from Vienna. C&C has no concept of units entering mid battle so this was the only way of representing a formation that might or might not be able to engage. So initially the French right seems highly vulnerable, as it did back on the day.

In the centre the French are stronger and the Allies weaker. This, combined with the fact that 4 victory tokens can be had for having a commanding presence on the two sides of the Pratzen Heights, meant that this was always likely to be where the French team would concentrate their efforts, again just like in the actual battle. An interesting example of how game systems can use victory conditons to impose a 'historical' pattern on a simple game like C&C which is always otherwise prone to deteriorating into a low-level slugfest as players try to pick off already weakened units in the hope of obtaining the victory tokens for their elimination.

But, on to the battle itself. The Allies have fewer cards than the French, 4 as opposed to 6, but move first. Initially both sides concentrated on bringing their units forward, in the centre and on the French left. There was little movement on the other side of the board and this set a pattern that would be followed for the rest of the game. The Allies hardly moved their left at all, and in response the French, after expending a few cards starting to move Davout's Corps up to support Legrand's men on the Goldbach, pretty much gave up on that too and Davout's men stayed where they were and became distant spectators to the battle. I think only one or two blocks were removed from the board on that flank during the whole day, as a result of artillery bombardment.

The first fighting occurred on the Allied right, where a lone unit of lancers was sent on what appeared to be a death ride against two units of French cavalry, one of them heavy. But this was where a second pattern of the day quickly became visible - the woefully poor die-rolling that would bedevil the French all day. The Russian lancers decimated the French Lights and sent them fleeing for safety; a French counter attack by a beefy heavy cavalry unit, did little but drive the lancers back to the shelter of the town of Blasowitz, whereas significant damage to the unit was expected by all concerned. 

Early actions on the French left. The Russian Lancers are recovering from their death ride in the village of Blasowitz, top centre, while the unfortunate French Light cavalry who bore the brunt of their attack are loitering by the river at bottom and will take no further part in the battle

After this charge of the Light brigade the Allies concentrated on getting as many of their units in this sector as possible up to the front. This included the Guard, and in particular the largest and most powerful unit on the board, the feared Heavy Guard Cavalry, six blocks strong and seven dice worth of melee power, who started moving up ominously from the back. The two Guard artillery units were brought up to form a grand battery to the north of Blasowitz, and this made the corridoor of low ground to the north and west of Blasowitz a bit of a killing ground where it was perilous for the French to move. The French, perhaps less wisely, instead of moving their reserves up, chose to use what units they had readily to hand. Initially they enjoyed some success, forcing the Russian Light cavalry out of Blasowitz, but ultimately this would lead to a situation where effectively they lost the initiative on this side of the field.

A few turns in, the French decided to make what turned out to be a premature assault in the centre, having drawn a card that allowed them to move all infantry units in one section of the board. Forward came Vandamme and Bernadotte's units in what seemed to be an effective attack. The town of Pratzen fell, the Russian Line Infantry in there destroyed, and the French followed up by storming the heights of Stare Vinohrady behind, destroying the Austrian artillery stationed there in the process. They also occupied the adjacent orchard, and the Allies were concerned that this might be an early breakthrough for the French. The sun of Austerlitz was breaking through the clouds.

The French assault in the centre - I. The Russian line infantry in Pratzen resisted an initial assault by the French Line and inflicted some casualties, but were destroyed by the Light Infantry following up, who have now occupied the town.

The French assault in the centre - II. In fact, the high water mark of the French effort for the day. The French are on the heights having destroyed the Austrian artillery that faced them, and in the orchard. While the garrison of Pratzen have suffered losses, on the left the French have destroyed the Russian lancers who were in Blasowitz. They do not occupy the village as that would bring them in range of the Russian batteries.

But it was not to be. The French attack ran out of steam for reasons familiar to anyone who has played Command and Colors: the French no longer had access to any cards that would allow them to develop their position in the centre, either in their hand or in the Courier rack. At this point the Allies got the benefit of better cards to go along with that of their better die-rolling. A frustrating number of Probe/Attack/Assault Right cards which were less useful to the French, who could only use them to bring up Davout or take long range shots across the Goldbach, than they were to the Allies, who could use them to get their powerful Guard units into the battle. 

This was entirely the fault of the French of course. When preparing an attack even in the basic C&C:N scenarios it pays to wait until you have multiple cards that you can use rather than opportunistically using one very powerful card with nothing to back it up. The game is unforgiving of unsupported attacks in a way that feels very realistic. We were about to learn the full wisdom of this as we suddenly lost the initiative in the centre as well as on our left.

The Allies had the luxury of being able to bring up their reserves in the centre, and they were able to use their cavalry and infantry effectively and lethally together; forcing French units into square - the French have little cavalry in the centre and had nothing close enough to support the infantry - and then unleashing the big Austrian Line units against them. They soon had the Stare Vinohrady heights back under their control, and though a late attack by the French enjoyed some success they were never again able to achieve local superiority there.

One of the stories of the day was the experience of that terrifying Russian Heavy Guard Cavalry unit, the most glamorous scions of the Russian aristocracy. They came galloping up from the rear and soon proved their worth in a brief period of bloody fighting just to the south of Blasowitz. The French cuirassiers destroyed a unit of Russian lights and, their blood up, went on to charge the Heavy Guard Cavalry. This might have seemed foolhardy but it seemed likely that the Russian Guard would attack us next anyway; with five melee dice the cuirassiers could at least reasonably hope to do serious damage to their opponents and reduce their potential lethalness. In the event the French die roll failed miserably again - a single hit and a retreat flag that the Russians could ignore - and the Russian counter attack completely destroyed the cuirassiers; that was a hard blow to bear.

The Russians continued to make themselves a thorn in the side of the French, helping to push a French infantry unit in the centre into square so it could be finished off by the Austrian Line. As French C-in-C I developed an irrational hatred of these Russian dandies and was determined that if nothing else I would destroy them this day. As they milled around to the south of Blasowitz the French infantry in the town launched a sortie against them. The Russians might have retired and saved some casualties, but really, when did the cream of the Russian army retire before the low-bred scum of the French line? They stood their ground and the French infantry hit hard, reducing the Russians down from 5 blocks to 2. The French were able to follow this up on the very next turn with a final desparate charge by a half-strength unit of Heavy cavalry, which finally destroyed the Russian unit and sent their commander, the Grand Duke Constantine, scurrying away to the shelter of the nearest infantry unit. I was able at last to comment, as Napoleon did on the day 'many fine ladies of St Petersburg will lament this day'.

At this point it was approaching 6pm and we had been playing for over 5 hours including a leisurely break for lunch, so it was unfortunately time to bring the fighting to a close. The score stood at 10 victory tokens apiece; the Allies had 4 tokens for control of the heights and had eliminated 6 French units, while the French had 3 tokens for control of most of the towns across the middle of the board from Bosnitz on the left to Telnitz on the right, and had eliminated 7 Allied units/leaders. The latter included Feldmarschal Kollowrat who fell while gallantly leading his unit in the reconquest of the Stare Vinohrady heights.

Final position on the French left. It's been bloody for the French but several full strength units are visible and there are several Guard units out of shot on the baseline. The cuirassiers in front of Blasowitz are the heroes who have finally seen off the Russian Guard Heavy Cavalry.

Final position in the centre, from the Allied side. Again, despite heavy losses (see the huge pile of blocks in the background!) the French are still in this.

Final position on the French right. There is a weakened Russian unit visible top right of centre, and they were the only casualties on this side of the field.

The parity in victory tokens belies the fact that the French had suffered much greater casualties in terms of blocks lost, and many of their surviving units were severely reduced. It felt as though we had been given a kicking. That said, both sides had a number of powerful units still on the field - even in the centre where the French had suffered badly they still had a number of full strength infantry units uncommited. On the left the French enjoyed some late success. As well as the elimination of the Russian Guard Heavies a French attack on the Russian Light infantry in front of Bosnitz had almost destroyed them without any counter attack; while a bombardment of the Russian Guard Horse Artillery had inflicted losses, forcing them to limber up and gallop off to a more respectful distance and breaking up the Russian grand battery. And nothing had happened on the French right as yet, so despite the heavy French losses there was still everything to play for. A draw was perhaps the correct result for the day's fighting thus far.

It was a fun and interesting day. With the constant discussions within the teams it felt perhaps a little overthought for C&C, a game whose primary virtue is simplicity and speed of play. It might have been better to adopt the simple command mechanics implied in the rules and find another way to make it more interesting for the subordinate - alternating command perhaps? This would also have had the virtue of making the game play faster and we may have completed the battle in the time available.

It was hard not to feel aggrieved as the French, what with our terrible die-rolling and our indifferent command cards. That said, the Allies played the cards they had very effectively, especially the way they used combined arms attacks to inflict lethal losses on exposed French infantry units. The French paid the price of launching their main attack too early on before they had collected the cards needed to keep it going. The Allies were better able to react to the crisis in the centre than the French were to develop it, and from that point on heavy French losses were guaranteed.

There was also an element of karma to the French ordeal. A few months ago Dave and I played a game of the Battle of Kilsyth which was kindly hosted by MS Foy, and I my luck was outrageously good, effortlessly destroying whole units with a single die-roll. In a way this felt like the Universe righting itself at last.

So, a grand day all in all and a big thank you for my guests for playing and for being so patient with my many misunderstandings of the rules. Hope to arrange another session of something in due course!

Survivors photo taken by Dave the Ragged Soldier. A rogues' gallery if ever there was one.